


Stale Milk Monologue

by Sifl



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Monologue, script, why would anyone be crazy enough to do a Homestuck play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:57:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sifl/pseuds/Sifl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Identical and nondescript milk carton houses and uniform cookie-cutter people were all he knew. But John Egbert is slowly realizing that he wasn't cut out to be complacent like everyone else; he craved more than a destiny of simple sweets.</p><p>Written like a script because John can introduce himself without a narrator's help. He's a big boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stale Milk Monologue

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write about John and I just wanted to write him talking, so I did. Enjoy!

JOHN EGBERT:

 _(Outwardly cheerful and good-natured, John says whatever is on his mind as soon as it enters into his head. He has a charming sincerity and humbling bluntness that makes him loveable even when he is being unintentionally mean; It is as hard for him to hate as it is for someone else to hate him. His whole life has been a series of gentle- if not downright pleasant- gradual slopes that culminated in the creation of a child who can glide through life on luck and karma alone. Unfortunately, his breeze through life makes him feel inadequate. He doesn't realize that his effortless, graceless grace makes him the object of others' envy and admiration. Instead, he wants his life to be something more like a roller coaster even though he hasn't a clue to just how scary such a thing can be.)_

Yeah, my life is pretty awesome. The neighborhood's full of people with about the same values and living situations so nobody is really cast out for being different. In fact, all the houses look the same, too! It's kind of fun to look at them all from far away, 'cause they're in all these neat rows like a bunch of paper milk cartons all lined up in a grocery store, y'know, the kind that say stuff like, "MISSING! LOST SALAMANDER. GOES BY THE NAME OF CASEY. LAST SEEN IN LAS VEGAS. IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL AUTHORITIES AT 413-867-5309!" on the sides. Or… something like that. I guess searching for a salamander isn't what you put on a milk carton ad. Heh. But, uh, nothing exciting like finding a dear lost loved one ever happens here. And besides my Nanna, who died when I was a baby, we're not much ones for LOSING dear loved ones, either. That'd be... (he pauses, a little nervous and a little anticipatory.)

...a little out-of-the-ordinary.

(He returns to complacent reality.) And, well, heh heh, like I said, nothing... (he tries to hide his disappointment) nothing strange like that happens where I live. It's always just me and dad telling jokes and tripping over cakes like that's all there ever was to do in this world. (He shakes the carton absently.) That and drink milk. Gets the taste of cake outta my mouth- I hate that Betty Crocker stuff, honestly. (He shudders.) Bluuuuuh. Batterwitch.

(Slowly, a sad wistfulness creeps into his voice.) Yeah, that's us. In... in our little milk-carton box. Stale jokes and (he looks into the carton and wrinkles his nose) stale milk. Nothing new ever happens.

It's always... exactly the same.

(John's next words are meant more to convince himself of his happiness than to assure the audience. It almost works.) But that's not so bad! I can play with my friends outside, and they're all nice. We play all the games everyone else plays and talk about all the things that everyone else talks about. And I like all of those conversations, 'cause I like all the same things as everyone else, too! (The note of unsettlement enters his voice again.) We're all kinda silly that way. Kinda… the same. (Another pause.)

(Suddenly, his enthusiasm returns with a vengeance.) But there's this one game. It's supposed to be so awesome—more awesome than, like… than that one anime episode where the green slime ghost ate up the entire city in one ectoplasmic gulp! (John makes an obnoxious slurping noise.) You know what I mean? (It's obvious nobody does, but he is unabashed by the embarrassment; his sincerity and wonder for his topic remain constant even though his voice grows a little calmer.) SBURB is a virtual reality game that is supposed to be like no other- they say the mechanics are so crazy specialized that it looks and feels like it's a whole new reality.

It gives you your own little world in this "medium" thing and… (He gestures wildly with his hands before flinging them up in the air in enthusiastic exasperation) oh, I don't really know how it all works, but I do know that it's amazing and weird. Even if it's just some software on a computer, this game is a way for me to play with some really special friends of mine who live really far away.

What a birthday present that'll be! Think about it! Me, finally getting to go on an adventure with my three best friends in a mysterious world that's just waiting for us!

And guess what? My birthday is today! (He excitedly scuffs his feet on the ground beneath the table.) I guess I forgot to mention that, huh? But it's alright! I wasn't expecting a present from you guys or anything- I just want my mail to come so I can have my awaiting SBURB adventure- I might even get to be the hero for the day! Me! John Egbert, rugged and super awesome Hero of—(He takes a deep _breath_ and pauses, slowly cutting his fantasy short while self-depreciation dims, but does not extinguish, the stars in his eyes.) Oh, but that's not going to happen. Still… SBURB might be something a little… out of the ordinary.

 

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